I know now
time does not heal all wounds.
What changes is our relationship to it.
We learn to carry it differently,
work around it, hold it, ignore it,
as pain seeps out of our heart,
and into our bones to fortify.

I would like to have a moment with you,
before I knew your story,
understood your shape,
and your journey,
to regard your potential
free from the weight of skepticism.

The kind that grows from missed moments,
and mistakes, and leaves ruins behind you
unrecognizable in the heat that dances
atop desert sand. 

Your body, too, is burning up,
turning against you,
and the sorest spot is the only spot
you can’t reach.

I can’t help you.
Just lie down,
let the ghosts from those ruins
sing their song of loss,
I will follow those voices
and find you

to talk to you about the dream
we carried across time,
flying, watching the world below
encased in neon flames,
which seemed surreal and untouchable.

As those flames reach you,
remember how things regenerate after fire,
and how when they don’t,
they are complete.

Research shows children and adults with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) experience higher overall rates of bullying than those with ADHD. However, individuals with ADHD are also bullied at extremely high rates, and those who have both conditions face the highest risk of all. [1]

While neurotypical individuals generally see a sharp decline in bullying as they transition from school to adulthood, neurodivergent individuals experience a persistence of bullying that shifts from overt playground harassment to insidious, socially sanctioned mistreatment in the workplace and social circles. [2]

Important to note bullying is prevalent regardless of whether a person has an official diagnosis. However, being undiagnosed typically increases the severity, duration, and psychological damage of bullying.

A diagnosis allows someone to understand and adopt a neurodivergent identity which can act as a shield of protection to a degree. Undiagnosed individuals do not have this understanding and are highly prone to camouflaging (masking). Research from the Autistic Girls Network [3] highlights this prolonged, desperate attempt to blend in to avoid bullying causes devastating erosion to a person’s mental health, confidence, and self-esteem.

The psychological assessment that determined my AuDHD diagnosis, showed above average masking scores and it was noted I have very low self-esteem. In addition to undiagnosed neurodivergence, I lost my hearing at age three and it was not recognized until age 10. The school system I grew up in was vehemently audist [4]. There was a myriad of needs that were not met, and co-concurring conditions that interfered with my ability to feel comfortable socially. Now diagnosed, I can understand the patterns, the social dynamics, the frequency (both professionally and personally) at which I had been positioned by others as the problem and the target, or both, and I would like to share some of my insights.

Covert bullying often arrives in the form of backhanded comments that are disguised just enough to not be an outright insult. The method often used in these instances is to build up (compliment) and then cut down (insult). As an example, a colleague at one of my workplaces who after complimenting my shoes and finding out they were vintage, stated to the others in the room that used shoes are disgusting. Or, after complimenting my eyelashes at the lunch table then asked if they were fake. The rare, backhanded comment is not a big deal, but it begins to matter when it happens regularly and when others begin to march to the beat of the bully’s drum.

Covert bullying can also present as people sharing glances and smirks whenever you speak, talking over you, interrupting you, or using the compliment/cut down method by letting you have the floor and then deliberately not engaging. Covert bullies want to make you feel small and embarrassed.

Covert bullies typically have a wound in themselves they are unable to hold and heal. It can be unhealed trauma, insecurity, or a myriad of other possibilities. The inability to address the incompetence created by their wound creates a need to be validated by others. They go about this through the act of building themselves up by tearing another down and attempting to create bonds with peers who tolerate and/or encourage their bullying behaviour. In their chosen target, they have spotted someone who can’t, or won’t, fight back, and often someone who is lacking support – an outlier, as people who are neurodiverse often are by nature.

This is why it’s important to try to find at least one solid ally in the workplace, someone who will vouch for you and is able to see the bullying for what it is. Having a reliable witness can keep you grounded and provide a level of safety (even if it’s just safety for your nervous system). An ally is especially helpful considering neurodiverse people misunderstand social cues and norms, which allows the opportunity for a bully to brush off their behaviour or gaslight their victim. It’s harder to gaslight someone who has someone in their corner. I give this advice as someone who did not have anyone in my corner.

A final thing to note about covert bullies is they rarely insult you unless there are others watching. Ironically, your covert bully is often sweet as pie when you catch them alone, which, especially for someone on the spectrum who tends to take people for their word and see the best in people, is further confusing. Ultimately, the bully is driven by a need for approval. But, it is not your responsibility to appease someone who mistreats you.

For some tips on how to manage adult bullies, visit this article. (https://psychprofessionals.com.au/dealing-adult-bullies/).

[1] Accardo, A.L., Neely, L.C., Pontes, N.M.H. et al. Bullying Victimization is Associated with Heightened Rates of Anxiety and Depression Among Autistic and ADHD Youth: National Survey of Children’s Health 2016–2020. J Autism Dev Disord 55, 3605–3621 (2025). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-024-06479-z

[2] “It’s Not a Trend: ADHD, Adult Bullying and Finally Feeling Seen with Brooke Schnittman.” YouTube, uploaded by Caroline Maguire, 3 Feb 2026,

[3] https://autisticgirlsnetwork.org/keeping-it-all-inside.pdf

[4] Audism is discrimination or prejudice against individuals who are deaf or hard of hearing.

My lifelong goal has been to have a sailboat. My love of the ocean is immense. So, naturally, as soon as I moved to the island I sought out how to go about taking sailing lessons and signed up for an open house at a yacht club.

At the open house I signed up for a courtesy sail. The day came and I went out with a senior couple whom I will call Josef and Annabella. Josef seemed friendly off the bat, and Annabella was rocking her hoity-toity era. Excellent.

Josef gave me a thorough overview before we set out on the water. At one point he instructed me to do a thing with the ropes. Not understanding, I asked for clarity, at which point Annabella started yelling. I tried to ignore her so I could hear what Josef was telling me which was difficult as I use cochlear implants. My focus was interrupted when Annabella started smacking my hand away from the rope so she could do it herself. I yelled at her reminding her I don’t know anything.

This is when I realized I was in the boat with strangers, one of whom was hostile, and calculated in the span of five seconds how long it would take me to swim back if I jumped overboard. When it comes to danger, I don’t have a gradual ramp up — I have a sudden jump into protective mode. I’m safe or I’m not; there’s no in between. I’m a good swimmer, but it was far and my bag was below deck and not waterproof. While a neurotypical mind might have simply thought what a jerk, I was calculating swim times to shore. There are key differences in how different brain types respond to the same situation.

My escape plan was interrupted when Josef told me to steer the boat in circles. Around the buoys I went. Around and around. It was becoming a bit boring. “Weeeee,” Josef said. Yes, out loud. “Weeeee.” My definition of weeeee is a little more robust, but whatever.

Off we sailed into the choppy waves as Annabella sneered disdainfully at the spray and I told her cheerfully that I found the mist refreshing, at which she laughed mockingly. Into US waters we went, and back. Every second of this trip I was painfully eager to head in. Josef was a decent teacher, but his instruction was regularly drowned out by Annabella’s yelling. At one point he told her to be quiet. At another she retreated below deck to sit with her head in her hands.

A couple of days after the sail, I was still upset at being yelled at and smacked. Something I deal with regularly with AuDHD is that situations loop in my head — often for years — when there has been an injustice, even a small one. I’ve since figured out that the situations that loop are those in which I haven’t stood up for myself or received any closure. So, I told the coordinator at the yacht club they should think about who they send potential members out with. I assured her it was a courtesy, need not be mentioned to Josef and Annabella, and that I wasn’t looking for any response.

A couple of days later, Josef emailed me a long, winding note full of advice I hadn’t asked for. There were some helpful sailing tips in there — and then came the paragraph advising me to watch my diet and fitness. At no point had I asked for that advice on my body. I was not oblivious to the fact that I am slightly overweight, nor was Josef oblivious to the fact that I was not oblivious as we had discussed this prior to the trip on the topic of life jackets. It’s common sense to not offer unsolicited advice on someone else’s body. Not understanding the motive behind that piece of advice sent my brain into a spiral as I tried to determine the intention, and the loop began. Was it well-meaning? Passive aggressive? Retaliation? This is rumination. It doesn’t resolve cleanly.

All this to say, the sailing trip taught me a lot. The biggest lesson was in Josef’s “weeeee.” I thanked the yacht club for the ride and told them it wasn’t a good fit. I’m now signed up for kite surfing lessons in search of my own genuine weeeee.

While I wanted the official diagnosis for my peace of mind, the assessment ended up offering far more than a diagnosis. For me, it’s not about the label, it’s about having the knowledge to create a truthful and workable framework for my life. The assessment helped me understand my strengths and weaknesses in several areas, and though this will help in moving forward, I am currently haunted by what I might have been able to achieve if I had supports and understood my condition from a younger age.

The information is helping me understand why I struggled in certain areas, and has ushered in the need to practice radical acceptance and change the way I create expectations of myself.

I relocated from Saskatchewan to Vancouver Island a month after receiving my results.

I find myself staring at the trees, watching how they change from day to day. There is nothing static about them. They mirror the environment, becoming extensions of the wind, reflecting the sun, changing colour in the rain. And beyond what we see, they communicate and support one another through advanced underground networks.

As someone who never felt valued or particularly liked*, that interconnectedness draws me in. The trees don’t judge one another, and they don’t judge me. I don’t need to understand the world from the trees’ perspective to appreciate what they have to offer. The wall of towering conifers outside my window help me feel less alone, and support my need to simply allow myself to exist. I am grateful for them.

*Studies show autistic individuals are generally perceived in a more negative light compared to their neurotypical peers. More on that later, along with covert bullying in the workplace.

*For reliable autism self-assessments, visit: embrace-autism.com

“You know me, I think there ought to be a big old tree right there. And let’s give him a friend. Everybody needs a friend.” ― Bob Ross

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